On October 26th 2013 my father died. During the last 6 months of his life, my father underwent a quadruple bypass and 2 leg amputation procedures. He passed away in his sleep and the coroners report stated that he died of coronary arterial disease (Ischaema).
My father knew he was dying, what he was dying of and he never told a soul because he didn’t want his family to worry. I saw him a month before he died and whilst he told me that he was so proud of me, and that he loved me, it never quite hit me so hard that I was mourning the loss of my first friend so much as the moment I found out he had died.
At the time of his passing, my life was falling apart –
I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism 8 months prior, which had only explained but not helped my illness. I was mother to a 14 month old who demanded alot of attention, physical and mental -after an extremely, unnecessarily traumatic pregnancy and birth. I was in mourning for my life and I resented not being closer, have more time or more financial support to get up and take care of my dad through his last days. Even now, things much improved, I regret being unable to visit my father in hospital everyday – talk to him, hug him – but most of all, assure him that I would be ok. I wanted him to know that I am brave, strong, that I could undo the mess that I had allowed myself to walk into … that he could be proud of me. He was always proud of me and he always said so.
The truth is, I am not proud of myself because I feel as if I have not done anything to be proud of since I stopped making art.
For a long time, I felt enourmous pressure to give up the sacred things in my life. I sacrificed my philosophy and lifestyle to prove my love to a group of people; most of whom were not worth the sacrifice. Now, having lost my greatest ally and loving parent, I felt the sting of lonliness more than I had ever experienced in my life. It was one evening during which I was taking a shower that I thought about what I had truly lost and how I could regain my happiness,
It hit me. I am currently retaking GCSE science in order to pursue a PGCE to become a teacher. I am pursuing teaching to ensure I had a steady income so I could keep my husband happy and we can buy a house. And then I realised what a fucking awful idea that was. As a mum, my time is spent taking care of other people – something I have done my entire life – but with no real gratitude. Being a mum is not the best or most important job in the world to me and someone telling me how great I am to be a mother doesn’t fulfil me. It’s empty. It will not make a difference to anyone other than my daughter and she will grow up very quickly. It’s not something I will, or should, win a nobel prize for. If I became a teacher, not only would I have to take care of other people’s children but I would have to be care taker to my family when I got home! I would have no time to make a real difference in people’s lives or do something that would fulfil my personal purpose in life.
And I would be an AWFUL role model to my daughter.
I would be a disappointment to my father – I’m currently a disappointment to myself. So I need to stop and go back to the person that I was proud to be.
As I stepped out of the shower, I thought to myself “should I pursue my dreams?”. I felt a surge of warmth rush through my body, and a sensation of holistic peace and wholeness surround my entire being. My mind stopped worrying. My chronic headache disappeared. I heard my father’s voice say “Your dreams will make you happy. Go and be happy.”
I loved my father more than anyone else in the world. He taught me to always trust my instincts, and therefore I decided that in 2014 I’m coming clean.
It’s time to start taking pride in myself, which only comes with love and respect. I’m cutting out processed, refined, artificial and addictive foods to adopt a vegan lifestyle. I’ll also be exercising and meditating, like I used to. I’m going back to the lifestyle that made me healthy, happy and inspired my dad to make his most successful attempt to quit smoking.
When you are out of balance with the beliefs that you hold, you are at war with the entire universe. I wholeheartedly believe that it is not only my choice but my responsibility to repair the inter-relationships between my body, mind and spiritual essence (whether that’s a soul, a cosmic energy or an idea). The best way for me to do that is to live clean – free of addictions, respectful of my body as the vessel of my mind. It’s not a new notion and I’m not trying to sell anyone anything.
I’ll be focusing on specific topics with each new blog post and updating you on my path to happiness. I’m hoping to post at least once a fortnight.
This is my New Year’s Resolution for 2014 and an ongoing journal to record my healing journey.
And I just wanted to share this with whoever is interested on being part of the journey with me x
(P.S – Here’s a list of mind expanding things to ‘google’;